1995-12-14 - Fall Orgo Night
[march into Roar]
Ladies and Gentlemen, and organic chemistry students, back despite the revolting French, the most unionized band in the world, the Columbia University Marching Local 69.
[fanfare]
Featuring:
J. federal workers - down on their luck
J. Newt Gingrich - what a schmuck
and
J. Hugh Grant - in need of a suck
[fanfare]
Welcomes itself back to dark, dank, decrepit, depressing, dreary, in need of renovation, yet still in need of renovation, College Library, where the shelves are long-lasting but sadly not the men and the women are checked out but long overdue. Featuring racial tension on the way up, Divine Brown on the way down, and that damned mutant squirrel-rat, presents its 22nd consecutive, 69th semiannual drive to lower the curve in Organic Chemistry while consummating the world's largest simultaneous orgo.
[who owns]
Earlier this year it seems that a soldier at the Fort Bragg, North Carolina army base opened fire onto a group of his fellow troops who were exercising, killing one and maiming four. The band, always a connoisseur of delicate ironies, was amused not only at the idea of a trained killer doing his job, but by his doing it so badly. When asked about the incident, army officials were heard to express relief that he hit something, and one murmured that the dead guy was probably gay, anyway. The band now forms a wayward bullet on its way to death, destruction and maiming and plays what that one renegade soldier said as he was dragged off to the brig: I got you (I feel good)
[good feel got you I I]
Earlier this semester, a small furor arose over the Barnard residence life policy of not handing out condoms to students through their resident advisers. Because of this policy, Barnard students will have to come to Columbia for their. . . condoms. The band, for one, understands their dilemma; after all, where would Barnard students put their condoms? The band would like to recommend an alternative to the major condom brands: Messiah: Just pray you don't get pregnant. And be sure to keep a spare on hand for a Second Coming. The band now forms a strong dose of Reality and plays "In the Midnight Hour ".
[midnight hour]
The band would have liked to make a joke about the Middle East Peace Conference, but we were afraid it would get shot down.
[wipeout]
Recently it seems that Michael Sovern, former president of Columbia University, was married. His first wife was renowned sculptor Joan Sovern, who died two years ago after a long bout with cancer. His new wife is the publisher of Joan Sovern's biography; he met her while ordering copies of the book not two months after his first wife was buried. The band, always respectful of Columbia administrators and their personal lives, would like to nonetheless suggest a few hypothetical phone conversations:
--I'd like to order a few biographies of my late wife, she's dead, you know.
--Really?
--Yes, there's a memorial exhibition of her sculpture in Soho. Would you like to accompany me?
--Oh, but I haven't a thing to wear.
--That's okay. I've got something lying around you'd look great in.
--I'd like to order a few biographies of my late wife; she's dead, you know.
--Really? Wanna trade in favors rather than cash?
--I'd like to order a few biographies of my late wife; she's dead, you know.
--Really? Would you like to discuss her rotting corpse over coffee?
--I'd like to order a few biographies of my late wife; she's dead, you know.
--Really? Nice story. Wanna fuck?
The band now forms Skeletor, uh, I mean Joan Sovern, and by the power of Grayskull, plays Gimme Some Lovin'.
[gsl]
Recently it seems that the Women of the Ivy League chose to feature themselves in a literary magazine entitled, "Women of the Ivy League." Unlike Heffner's creation, this rag only featured tasteful seminude photos, though the Band only read it for the poems. As Columbia declined to participate, the Band was unable to obtain a copy until this morning. Here are a few of our favorite selections:
A Haiku from Cornell:
Cascadilla Gorge
Reaching my terminal speed
A rock breaks my fall.
A Haiku from Yale:
Mugged before Shakespeare
Eating New Haven Pizza
I hope I don't die.
A Haiku from Penn:
Five syllables in this line
This line, seven, I think
I like the color purple
And finally, a Haiku from Brown:
I yearn to be known
too ugly to be exploited
Cast out by Playboy
The Band now forms a magazine read only for the articles and plays "I hear you knocking, but I'd like to see your own attempt at art."
[Knocking]
What with all the recent to-do about the secret societies the Sachems and the Nachems, the band has decided to form our own secret society: the Fuckems.
[muppet show]
A few weeks ago, the School of General Studies, popularly known as "GS", announced plans to rename the institution, in hopes of a more distinctive name and reputation within the university. The band, always helpful, has as always, a few suggestions.
*College begins at Forty
*All of the credits, none of the hassle
*Morningside Heights Community College
*Just like a correspondence school, plus you get to attend class!
*Columbia Lite
*Columbia Cosmetology School
*Like a night school, but you come during the day, too.
*Get to attend class with real college students!
*Six flags over Harlem
and finally,
*I can't believe it's not high school!
The band now plays, in honor of our lesser-abled fellow scholars, "Smells like Middle-Aged Spirit."
[smells]
For those of you who live under a rock, i.e., in Wien, much controversy has arisen over a Spectator column written by the artist formerly known as Sharod Baker. The band, for one, is disappointed that Sharod X, as he likes to be known, has stopped writing his highly entertaining column, "Blackdafied", and would like to suggest, perhaps, a few ideas for future columns in keeping with the themes of his most recent oeuvre:
*Why Blacks shouldn't sell to Italians: "Never let a Dago buy"
*Eugenics and You
*Protocols of the Elders of Zion
*Not Logic, Rhetoric
*Can't anyone take a joke?
*Jewsafried
and, finally,
*Silly Rabbi, Tricks are for Yids.
The band now forms racial discord, and plays, because we're just so damned
sensitive, Havah Negila.
[havah]
On our way out, the Band would like to leave our Organic Chemistry Students with the following helpful tips:
a MOLE of ESTER is sensitive to the touch.
a MOLESTER touches sensitive areas
Deuterium was discovered in the basement of Havermeyer, whereas
Deterioration has been discovered in the basement of every other Columbia
Building.
Uracil Hydroxide or URH forms unstable structures.
On that note, the Band will now leave Butler Library before it collapses.
[Raw]